Pyongyang, North Korea – In a truly spectacular display of naval incompetence, North Korea’s latest 5,000-ton destroyer decided to stage an impromptu submarine impersonation act, all while still in the shipyard. Glorious Leader Kim Jong Un, ever the connoisseur of catastrophic failures, was reportedly on hand to witness the vessel’s stern perform a graceful, unscheduled descent down the launch ramp, leaving a rather significant portion of its hull looking like it had a run-in with a very large, very enthusiastic can opener.

According to the ever-reliable Korean Central News Agency (KCNA), this “serious accident and criminal act” (Kim’s words, not ours) was due to “inexperienced command and operational carelessness.” Apparently, the flatcar meant to actually support the vessel during launch decided it had better things to do, leading to a rather undignified belly flop. The result? “Some sections of the warship’s bottom crushed,” which, for a warship, is generally considered suboptimal. The rest of the ship, presumably embarrassed, just sort of got stuck.

Kim Jong Un, known for his calm and measured responses, reportedly “blasted” the disastrous launch, declaring it “out of the bounds of possibility and could not be tolerated.” He then went on to lambaste the responsible officials – from the munitions department to the ship designers – promising their “mistakes would be dealt with” at a party meeting next month. One can only imagine the kind of “dealing with” that entails. Perhaps a new, less comfortable flatcar for them.

This nautical mishap is, of course, a minor setback for Kim’s grand vision of North Korea becoming a major maritime power, capable of projecting naval might far beyond its own shores. After all, it’s hard to project anything when your shiny new warship is busy performing a dramatic impression of a crumpled tin can. It also comes hot on the heels of last month’s successful launch of another 5,000-ton destroyer and last year’s unveiling of the Hero Kim Kun Ok, a ballistic missile submarine, neither of which, thankfully, decided to become a landlocked wreck.

One has to wonder if this latest incident will inspire a new training manual. Perhaps “How Not to Turn Your Warship into Scrap Metal Before It Even Touches Water.”